This time, it felt different. Seeing that blade in my hand is no big deal some time before, and I think it’s not even now. Cause how a blade can harm us? Isn’t it? But if it’s no big deal & it’s monotonous, so why I felt different today? Actually, here intentions play its role which makes all the difference. Yes, it’s not the blade which harm us or pills or any other self harming thing do. But it’s our intentions which do. Intentions of self harm are so different, right? For all our life we have strong urge for happiness. We want to escape from pain; mental, emotional, social, every type of pain. We don’t want to confront it. But when we are shattered by the deeds, pain seems a small word for tiny & solitude pieces of our heart or may be meant nothing. We are so tired of everything that being mentally and emotionally stable is the new impossible purpose. So isolating from social environment is the only escape. But what next? All these pain seems nothing to the situation we are in which gives us a path to move forward for a profound way of self harm. Self harm in some way or another in drastic or contented manner. For that some committing suicide is an unswerving way of permanent relief but many choose for intermittent way of small attempts of physical pain. After all Suicide is for cowards, so iterant attempts is better than suicide; is all we think, to deal with pain. So what if I say, it feels good. Blade when penetrates from your skin & soon blood takes its place. It may sound malicious or is it too graphic for some of you? But at last it gives a strange relief to the person. May be that’s why people feel alleviated in hurting themselves. For some time, we stop chained thoughts in our mind and draw out all attention to what pain we are giving ourselves. So it feels like everything is stopped, for some time. We are in the moment. No regrets of yesterday, no expectations from today and absolutely no tension for tomorrow can hinder us then from harming us, which were clogging us from anything or everything we do. That’s why, a painful path is what we chose to walk on in Moon’s gloom. Only a hope for relief which finds a way to us. That’s why, a painful path is what we chose to walk on in Moon’s gloom. Only a hope for relief which finds a way to us. Hope that travels through the dark, deconstructed path and when that hope comes, it comes with relief. No matter how thoughtless we become but we are finally relieved.
So it felt good when I hold blade in my one hand and a pack of band aid in other, barefoot standing on the cold floor of the bathroom in midnight without the notice of anyone. But is it right? Did you trust me when I said it felt nice? Hurting ourselves can give us relief or happiness? Can it give permanent solution to problems?